Resurrection

Oh my goodness.  I've just let this go haven't I?  Well now is the perfect time to resurrect it.

I've, of course, been in the biggest funk lately.  I go through these ebbs and tides of good days and bad.  I found that I actually missed it but then when I wanted to write something, I lost either my words or my nerve.

I've vowed to write almost every day, even if it's only just a few words.  I know I can do it.

Here's to hoping there is a summer in store for me that's worth writing about!

What the hell have YOU done with your life?

Someone I love very much said this to me yesterday.  We were talking about English, and the fact that this person is clueless and wouldn't be able to pass a junior high level paper assignment.  It was thrown right out there right out of the blue, "I went to college and got a four year degree, what the hell have YOU done with your life?" 

The gauntlet was thrown...I won't even mention that the degree referred to isn't anywhere near English and won't ever change the fact that they still suck at it.

At first I was shocked...then I was pissed.  Man, was I pissed, I was vibrating I was so mad.  Then I got to thinking....

What have I done with my life?  You know what, I've done a hell of a lot.

I had a baby all by myself with the help of some amazing friends and a few family members.
I had two more babies. 
I was married and divorced.
I was a stay at home mom.
I've taken my family on some fabulous trips.
I've taken myself on some fabulous trips.  (Hellooo Hawaii...twice.)
Married again.
I've owned a home.
I've lost a home.
I've had a lot of really fun jobs and one really lame one.
I've met a LOT of amazing people along the way.
I crossed a major want off my bucket list when I saw the Smithsonian and Lincoln Memorial.
I actually DID get a college degree, a 2 year one, but a degree nonetheless.
I started over from scratch with only the support of two people, they believed in me and that was all I needed.
I lost my grandparents.
I've helped remodel a home with my bare hands...and we're almost done.
I've nursed sick or injured kids.
I love every second of it.

So..to answer that assholes question...I've lived.  I wouldn't change a single second of it.

I should be asking them the same question.

Snug as a bug in a rug...

I'm only one mom out of billions that says this at bedtime.  I am sure of it.

This is not going to be a happy post.  I have a lot on my mind due to some recent events and I have to get them out..it's the irrational motherly fear in me and if I don't let it loose it's just going to sit and fester like a wound.

Nick and I have these friends.  We've always gotten together for dinners, lunches, a birthday party or two...we have standing Detroit Tiger game dates (this is all them..I'm the odd Boston man out). 

These friends had a little boy right after Thanksgiving that they named Andrew.  They hoped and prayed for him to come along for a while.  They were as happy as they could be even though he had some heart issues.  He had surgery and all was well, he was just waiting to come home.  Instead of coming home he passed away unexpectedly. 

I know this isn't about me in the least..but death does weird things to people..the death of a child will wreak havoc on your mental status if you don't work it out I'm finding.

As a person you think, oh..how terrible, I can't imagine, that's horrible.  As a mother you wonder how are they getting out of bed in the mornings?  How do they find the strength to even open their eyes?  I have three kids and I can tell you that it's the most unreasonable and irrational thing...all three of them make me whole, but if I lost even one of them I would feel as if I'd lost everything.  Mathematically, physically, scientifically..any way you look at it it makes no sense but it's no less true.

It is my worst fear realized...by people I know and love and that deserve nothing but happiness and bliss.  I honestly can't even find words that come close to describing how sorry I am for them.  In fact the words "I'm Sorry" feel and sound a pretty pathetic attempt. 

They woke up that morning and had a world and lifetime of possibilities and joy ahead of them.  Piles of laundry, countless late nights, mounds of dishes, hundreds of disagreements, dozens of birthdays and Christmases, thousands of snug as a bug in a rugs...and it was heaven.  Okay, so it may not sound like heaven but trust me..I would never lead you wrong. 

It was why they got up and made the trek to the hospital early in the morning and stayed until the wee hours of the night..or in the mother's case, why she never left.  It was just that.  That word.  It's very powerful.  She was finally a mother..and when she went to bed that night....

I can't even say it. 


I know you never stop being a mother..but what do you call a mother that no longer has children?  Your children define you...they are the reason you are called "mother" after all.  It changes you, that word.

I think the second day could only be worse in one way.  They had to wake up and realize it all over again.


I just had to get all this out...to work through it because they are constantly on my mind and probably will be for awhile.  Andrew will be buried on Wednesday..in the midst of the world moving and flowing like nothing is wrong.  People will get up and go to work or school...they'll cuss and swear and say how much they hate this and hate that.  They'll rush here and there and yell for the kids to do their chores, homework.  Somewhere a kid will think their parents are the biggest assholes on earth and maybe even wish they were never born.  It will still be heaven. 

These parents that should be celebrating his long anticipated arrival home will be putting him in the cold, hard ground instead.  There will be no warm hugs...no snug as a bug in a rug.

I'll be spending the remainder of that day breathing in the scent of Aiana's obnoxious teenager perfume that I swear has permeated the walls in and around her bedroom..and smelling the warm coconutty smell of Aurora's hair while she reads me books that mostly annoy me.  I'll be sending Avery a million and one "I love and miss you bunches!" texts and waiting for the reply that always comes.."I love and miss you more then bunches".  Thanking the heavens above that they saw fit to bless me with three healthy kids and trying not to think too hard on the fact that I'm not sure what I've ever done to deserve them.  I'll hug them tighter and take a few extra minutes tucking them in..snug as bugs in rugs. 

My hope in writing all of this down...my goal to try make sense of it is to tell you that no matter how bad it is.  How loud they scream and cry, how many times they break a cell phone, how many mounds of laundry and piles of messes they create, and the marathon late nights that the parents out there are still in heaven....it's a messy heaven, but heaven none the less.

The Days of my Life

I've had a million things in my head that I would've loved to write down lately but find I can't keep my wits or thoughts about me for more than about two seconds.

Today was one of those days.  A day full of random thoughts and wishes and wonders.  I keep thinking to myself that there is a lot of work I want to do on the house.  Random things.  Repaint the living room, expand the kitchen, change out the backsplash, get new fans and lighting.

Wishing we had the money to do all of the above and then some.  Money makes the world go round...sadly.  Why can't I trade a chicken and some butter for kitchen tile?

My wonder is my kids.  It's a day when I find myself more than once being a little nostalgic.  Aiana is old enough to take drivers ed this summer if her grades are good enough.  I'm torn on this subject.  I'm floored by the fact that I'm old enough to have a child that's old enough to start driving.  I really don't know when that happened.  I was still changing diapers last week and figuring out that she wouldn't touch anything green in the baby food jars.  She still doesn't like green things.  Part of me is a little relieved because I have nothing but the past to prove to me that there is no way in hell her grades will be good enough for us to enroll her.  Is it terrible that this makes me a little happy that I get to hold on to her for another year without having to face the realization that she's really going to be gone in a couple of years?

I have to start bracing myself for the fact that we will go our separate ways.  There will be weeks that I'm sure I won't get to talk to her.  She's had her fill of me already...and we still have a few years to go.  Is it sad that from then on I'll want time to go a little fast so we can get to the point that we'll be close again?  That she'll realize I really wasn't full of shit all these years?

I keep thinking about how weird it's going to be to have her driving all over town...at least I know she'll have a safe car...because it's already sitting in the driveway.  It'll also be weird that soon Aurora will be the only one here.  She'll be going through highschool all alone.  Literally.  Aiana swears she's moving out the summer she graduates...Aurora won't have her big sister anymore.  I'm not sure why this saddens me because they really aren't close at all.  They fight and bicker all.of.the.time.

Hopefully tomorrow we can get back to my normal scattered thoughts that don't involve mini freak outs because soon my very own spawn of satan will be released upon the streets and mixing with the general public.  Have I also mentioned that she starts high school next year..and it's going to be a new school?  I think that transition will be hardest for her but I'm hoping she'll actually meet some good kids and get to know them.  She's in dire need of really good friends that are close enough to hang out with.  Those are also wishes, that her transition goes as smoothly as possible.  How hard can it be for a 15 year old to change schools and meet all new friends and get used to new teachers, right?

Yeah..I know.  I've been there.

Oy vey.

Family Game Night

I need to share my newfound, or I guess it might be considered refound love, of family games.   After spending a few days at friends houses playing games and playing card games for years I had forgotten how much fun can be had.  I really would take pictures and post them but the lighting in our living room is HORRIBLE and soooo dark.  I'm working on that.

We love all kinds of games.  We love Canasta, Euchre, Cranium, Scrabble, Uno, too many to name..and today we bought a new game.  It's Apples to Apples.  I have seen this game many, many times in the store.  I guess I thought it was along the lines of Scrabble Apple or Bananagrams and a kids game to boot.  The most fantastic thing about this game is it truly is a family game.  We played with only adults on New Years Eve and we also played a round or two with kids tonight after we got it home.  It was rough going at first with the kids but after a bit and when they got the hang of it the fun factor kicked in.

Not only did we have some great laughs but I noticed with each card that Aurora was trying harder and harder to pronounce and read new words and learn what they mean...and all while having fun.

Next up on the game wish list?  Scribblish.

I'm all over this game stuff.

Happy New Year!

Another year has ended.  Another year has begun.

Every time this happens I do the usual and come up with a few resolutions.  I'm happy with my spot in life, happy with all the possibilities the new year can offer because I'm not yet resigned to the fact that most of them will end in failure and despair.

This year I am bound and determined to come up with something that I can stick with so I'm starting with just a few.

The first one is to just be healthy and active.  I'm going to turn down second helpings, exercise more, get out there and do some fun stuff with my kids (laser tag anyone?!), but if I want a piece of cake then I'm going to have a piece of cake damnit.

Second  I'm going to do what makes me happy.  I want to really focus on my camera more.  I love it.  It's almost an extension of me and because of that it's also been neglected for way too long.  It is my bliss.  It helps me capture things and people in my life that for either that second or forever are very important to me.  I'm going to get out there and drum up some business.  Who wouldn't want some free family portraits?

Last I'm going to try to cut negative people out of my life.  I'm going to go about this two different ways.  I'm going to do my best to make them a little happier or I'm just going to have to find a way to slowly cut them out.  I don't care how close they are to me.  I just feel I can't become the me I want to be if I'm surrounded by people that drag me down emotionally.  It's too hard.  It's like catching your line on seaweed but you don't want to lose your favorite lure so you keep pulling and tugging and refuse to cut that line and move on to the next one in the tackle box.

Also, I wish for the people in my life, great things.  Healthy families, happy times, strong friendships, and sound sleeps.

Not Using My Words

I have not forgotten or abandoned this blog.  I am just finding lately that everytime I start a post...I can't finish it.  I can't find the right words to get across what is in my thoughts.

Hopefully this writers block breaks soon.  I do have a lot to say..and I feel like I have no way to get it out.

A Girl and Her Dog

It's no secret that Aurora and Mina have grown up together. Aurora is her person. If there were five people attacking each one of us...She would be the one Mina protected first.

I'm always so grateful that we raised her to be very...very tolerable of kids.

We made the kids sit down when we first got her and make sure they dug into her food bowl while she was trying to eat. We made sure they played a little rough with her to make sure she could handle living in this household.

She's passed with flying colors. Mina will turn five years old this November. We got her when she was 9 weeks old.

She is Aurora's favorite playmate.

I still can't believe, though, that with all we put her through as a puppy that she still sits still for this.

Dress up. Aurora LOVES to play dress up..only the dog gets dressed up though, and gets her hair done.

This makes me laugh every.single.time she does it. I finally was able to grab the camera and take a few shots one day. It's even better when she gets up to chase Aurora around the house while still in her getup.

Hilarious.

Solitude

I think everyone goes through a stage every so often. A stage of just feeling alone but at the same time you seem to distance yourself from everyone around you. There are times when I really enjoy my solitude. I'm not a social person by nature..as any of my very few friends can attest to. Case in point, I had two lunch invitations this week and I backed out of one. The reason for that was because it's an hour drive and I would have only had an hour to chat then drive another hour home. I hate being on a tight budget right now.

I want to get out more...I want to socialize more but I'm feeling like I don't fit in anywhere specific. I don't know what it is. I'm feeling like I don't fit in anywhere at work, I'm feeling like I don't have any friends outside of work (probably because I don't) and that I have nothing to throw myself into. My photography has stalled, I can't seem to stick with a book to save my life. I still haven't decided if I want to return to school..and that's because I'm not feeling like I have it in me to finish it. My student loans are going to bankrupt us..the cost of finishing a master's program isn't going to help matters in the least.

That's where I'm at right now. I don't know why. It could be because I'm realizing that the holidays are right around the corner and it makes me feel farther and farther from Avery. I feel every single mile.

I mean, I feel it every day...but it seems to be magnified by a hundred this time of year. I feel upset that he's going to miss our first family Halloween bash, he's going to miss our family Thanksgiving..and yes, he will miss Christmas.

I know it's not fair of me to feel like this. My ex misses all of these holiday happenings with Aurora but a big part of me feels like it's his fault for moving so far away. He wouldn't have to miss these things if he stayed in Michigan.

I'm not quite sure how I've made it this long without Avery here. I keep hoping beyond hope that when he graduates and decides to go to college...that he comes home to go somewhere nearby. That remains to be seen.

I do thank the heavens for my solitude, and my family..even if we're not together my children are happy and healthy. I am thankful for my fabulous husband..who even though he LOVES to push my buttons, loves me and gives me all I could ever ask for. I have a roof over my head, a decent car that gets me to a full time job with benefits, food on the table (albeit some would argue Hamburger Helper being labeled as "food") and I do have people I can lean on if I ever need them.

Maybe I'll just suck it up and meet up for lunch tomorrow...sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. It's not about the money, or the drive time.

It's about the company and the fact that I am thankful for those that try to fit me in. I love my solitude..but only in moderation. I can fully enjoy it if I get out there to enjoy the noise more.

Falling in Love with Fall

It's that time of year again.

The air is cooler.

crisper.

cleaner.

The leaves are beginning to change from vibrant shades of green to awe inspiring shades of flames. Roadsides are on fire. Beautiful fire. Out with the old...but the new pays homage...it is patient and lets us enjoy the beauty of death and decay. It shows its respect. It's a powerful force, death.

There's something about this time of year. I love it. I love taking walks, going for drives, going to the cider mill on our way to the cabin. There's something about cider donuts washed down with fresh apple cider. Walking the corn maze, letting the kids pick their pumpkins...this is a serious challenge to them, it would be a failed mission if they didn't try to walk out of there with a pumpkin three times their own body weight.

Fall is the front door to the time of year when family traditions abound. Excitement begins growing for the fun of bobbing for apples at Halloween parties, the knowledge that the ultimate family dinner is around the corner, and for Christmas morning when adults are just as excited as their kids to see what St. Nick has left beside the fireplace.

Bike rides become inspirational. For a few short months the world around you gets along to celebrate holidays, friendship, and family and this is what the backyard of Michigan looks like.






It's the perfect chance to sit back and enjoy and reflect on the year that's quickly coming to an end. The perfect time to say goodnight to summer and get ready to read to it the exciting story of fall before tucking her into a cold winter's night.

Make Today Mother's Day

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Mother Nature. Actually, I haven been for years.

I'm a nature lover. I'm kind of a new age hippie, I don't mean new age like living in a hut and eating only from the land and sweat lodges and all that. I mean new age as hippies have moved forward into a new age.

We recycle, we buy green, we are eco friendly.

We want this world to not only be here for our kids and grandkids, we want it to be better.

So make today a new kind of Mother's Day, love your Mother. Tell her Thank You for all she's given you.