Tuesday, November 27, 2012


I haven't written in awhile.  For various reasons I would start a post, then delete, then write, then save, then delete.  As usual I was at a loss for words.

I find I'm back to not being able to shut my brain off.  There is just so much crap swirling around in there.

I just popped a batch of cupcakes in the oven and decided I'd give myself the 25 minutes on the timer to just write. 

Today, I guess a couple of days late, I realized how thankful I am for my life.  For my family.  They never think I'm weird..well, not often anyway.

My husband didn't question me when I bought two jumbo boxes of diapers and wipes to donate.  He gave me a look that I know well, the "You know we're not made of money, right?" but he never said it.  He gets points for that...or maybe the points should be awarded because he knows better than to argue with me.  Either way, he gets them.

We finally made it home after grocery shopping and dropping the diapers off and I grabbed a bottle of champagne, the iPad, some candles and hightailed it up to the bathroom.  I wanted to just relax and finish a book I've been working on for two weeks.  For cripes sake, it's only a 350 page book, no reason to take two weeks to read.  I was left alone for two hours, three quarters of that bottle of champagne, and burned a dozen candles to nothing but puddles.  This  comes on the back end of them letting me shop all night and day on Friday and again on Saturday, then letting me sleep for 16 hours...straight...uninterrupted. 

I cannot tell you how lucky I am.  As I sat there and soaked after I finished my book it hit me as it usually does, all of a sudden.  It resides in the back of my mind.  My family, for all of their quirks and annoyances, is actually pretty kick ass.  We're so very lucky and I think we all forget that during the day to day grind.  Not that we ever forget completely because I don't believe that for a second.  

My children are healthy and for the most part, happy.  My husband loves me and I love him.  We have a solid house and jobs to pay the bills and still have a little extra at the end.  We have struggled in the past, we still struggle now but we are still so very lucky.

I'm always so reflective at this time of year.  Thanksgiving to New Years for me is strange.  It's not really bittersweet.  It's more...solemn than that but in a festive way.  I'll admit it, I'll sit here and gaze at our tree and every year I love it.  I love it because it's something we do as a family.  We pick it out, we set it up, we decorate it, and admire our handy work.  We all take care of it while it's up.  It's so much more than a tree...it's time spent with the kids.  It makes me miss Avery more and more.  It's hard because his birthday has just passed.  I didn't get to have dinner with him on Thanksgiving.  I won't see him on Christmas day.  I'm still thankful.  He's still healthy and I know he loves me. 

If you are reading this then you are lucky.  You have a computer, and internet, and electricity.  I joined a local group on facebook recently.  I found it through the Momastery blog and their helping hands listing.  I searched for someone local that I could possibly help.  I was helped once and I will never, ever forget it.  I'll tell the story.

A few years ago, the year after we bought the house, I still couldn't seem to find a full time job.  I was working part time at Bath and Body Works at the local mall.  I worked with good people..hard working people.  I worked as many hours as they'd let me.  I didn't bring home much because it was minimum wage, but it was something.  I don't recall now what had come up right before Christmas, but it was expensive.  We were not going to have any money for presents.  Literally, not so much as a candy cane.  I was so upset.  I got a call one night a week before Christmas from one of my co workers at the mall asking me to come up for a meeting.  I only live a few blocks away so I went.  When I got there she had the back of her car loaded with gifts for my kids.  I cried.  Hard. 

I have never forgotten that.  I want to pay her back somehow.  A nice trip to the spa, a great dinner out, something.  She quit that job and I haven't seen her since.  I wanted to pay it forward if I could not pay it back.  It wasn't a lot, but to that woman that needed the diapers, it was enough.  I've vowed to get as involved as I can with her group to try and help the overwhelming number of homeless people that live all around me. 

I want to try to remember, every day, how thankful I should be for all the things I do have.