Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I think everyone goes through a stage every so often. A stage of just feeling alone but at the same time you seem to distance yourself from everyone around you. There are times when I really enjoy my solitude. I'm not a social person by nature..as any of my very few friends can attest to. Case in point, I had two lunch invitations this week and I backed out of one. The reason for that was because it's an hour drive and I would have only had an hour to chat then drive another hour home. I hate being on a tight budget right now.

I want to get out more...I want to socialize more but I'm feeling like I don't fit in anywhere specific. I don't know what it is. I'm feeling like I don't fit in anywhere at work, I'm feeling like I don't have any friends outside of work (probably because I don't) and that I have nothing to throw myself into. My photography has stalled, I can't seem to stick with a book to save my life. I still haven't decided if I want to return to school..and that's because I'm not feeling like I have it in me to finish it. My student loans are going to bankrupt us..the cost of finishing a master's program isn't going to help matters in the least.

That's where I'm at right now. I don't know why. It could be because I'm realizing that the holidays are right around the corner and it makes me feel farther and farther from Avery. I feel every single mile.

I mean, I feel it every day...but it seems to be magnified by a hundred this time of year. I feel upset that he's going to miss our first family Halloween bash, he's going to miss our family Thanksgiving..and yes, he will miss Christmas.

I know it's not fair of me to feel like this. My ex misses all of these holiday happenings with Aurora but a big part of me feels like it's his fault for moving so far away. He wouldn't have to miss these things if he stayed in Michigan.

I'm not quite sure how I've made it this long without Avery here. I keep hoping beyond hope that when he graduates and decides to go to college...that he comes home to go somewhere nearby. That remains to be seen.

I do thank the heavens for my solitude, and my family..even if we're not together my children are happy and healthy. I am thankful for my fabulous husband..who even though he LOVES to push my buttons, loves me and gives me all I could ever ask for. I have a roof over my head, a decent car that gets me to a full time job with benefits, food on the table (albeit some would argue Hamburger Helper being labeled as "food") and I do have people I can lean on if I ever need them.

Maybe I'll just suck it up and meet up for lunch tomorrow...sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. It's not about the money, or the drive time.

It's about the company and the fact that I am thankful for those that try to fit me in. I love my solitude..but only in moderation. I can fully enjoy it if I get out there to enjoy the noise more.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Falling in Love with Fall

It's that time of year again.

The air is cooler.



The leaves are beginning to change from vibrant shades of green to awe inspiring shades of flames. Roadsides are on fire. Beautiful fire. Out with the old...but the new pays homage...it is patient and lets us enjoy the beauty of death and decay. It shows its respect. It's a powerful force, death.

There's something about this time of year. I love it. I love taking walks, going for drives, going to the cider mill on our way to the cabin. There's something about cider donuts washed down with fresh apple cider. Walking the corn maze, letting the kids pick their pumpkins...this is a serious challenge to them, it would be a failed mission if they didn't try to walk out of there with a pumpkin three times their own body weight.

Fall is the front door to the time of year when family traditions abound. Excitement begins growing for the fun of bobbing for apples at Halloween parties, the knowledge that the ultimate family dinner is around the corner, and for Christmas morning when adults are just as excited as their kids to see what St. Nick has left beside the fireplace.

Bike rides become inspirational. For a few short months the world around you gets along to celebrate holidays, friendship, and family and this is what the backyard of Michigan looks like.

It's the perfect chance to sit back and enjoy and reflect on the year that's quickly coming to an end. The perfect time to say goodnight to summer and get ready to read to it the exciting story of fall before tucking her into a cold winter's night.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Make Today Mother's Day

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Mother Nature. Actually, I haven been for years.

I'm a nature lover. I'm kind of a new age hippie, I don't mean new age like living in a hut and eating only from the land and sweat lodges and all that. I mean new age as hippies have moved forward into a new age.

We recycle, we buy green, we are eco friendly.

We want this world to not only be here for our kids and grandkids, we want it to be better.

So make today a new kind of Mother's Day, love your Mother. Tell her Thank You for all she's given you.