Solitude

I think everyone goes through a stage every so often. A stage of just feeling alone but at the same time you seem to distance yourself from everyone around you. There are times when I really enjoy my solitude. I'm not a social person by nature..as any of my very few friends can attest to. Case in point, I had two lunch invitations this week and I backed out of one. The reason for that was because it's an hour drive and I would have only had an hour to chat then drive another hour home. I hate being on a tight budget right now.

I want to get out more...I want to socialize more but I'm feeling like I don't fit in anywhere specific. I don't know what it is. I'm feeling like I don't fit in anywhere at work, I'm feeling like I don't have any friends outside of work (probably because I don't) and that I have nothing to throw myself into. My photography has stalled, I can't seem to stick with a book to save my life. I still haven't decided if I want to return to school..and that's because I'm not feeling like I have it in me to finish it. My student loans are going to bankrupt us..the cost of finishing a master's program isn't going to help matters in the least.

That's where I'm at right now. I don't know why. It could be because I'm realizing that the holidays are right around the corner and it makes me feel farther and farther from Avery. I feel every single mile.

I mean, I feel it every day...but it seems to be magnified by a hundred this time of year. I feel upset that he's going to miss our first family Halloween bash, he's going to miss our family Thanksgiving..and yes, he will miss Christmas.

I know it's not fair of me to feel like this. My ex misses all of these holiday happenings with Aurora but a big part of me feels like it's his fault for moving so far away. He wouldn't have to miss these things if he stayed in Michigan.

I'm not quite sure how I've made it this long without Avery here. I keep hoping beyond hope that when he graduates and decides to go to college...that he comes home to go somewhere nearby. That remains to be seen.

I do thank the heavens for my solitude, and my family..even if we're not together my children are happy and healthy. I am thankful for my fabulous husband..who even though he LOVES to push my buttons, loves me and gives me all I could ever ask for. I have a roof over my head, a decent car that gets me to a full time job with benefits, food on the table (albeit some would argue Hamburger Helper being labeled as "food") and I do have people I can lean on if I ever need them.

Maybe I'll just suck it up and meet up for lunch tomorrow...sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. It's not about the money, or the drive time.

It's about the company and the fact that I am thankful for those that try to fit me in. I love my solitude..but only in moderation. I can fully enjoy it if I get out there to enjoy the noise more.