Blur

That's this summer.  A blur.  It's gone so fast that I can barely keep up, I can feel it flying even as the days go by.  It's almost like I can't see the day clearly even as I'm living it.

::Sigh::

I hate to see it go.  Hopefully with the new season comes a new phase.  A new part of my life...one that involves my son being here with me.

I'm just awaiting that letter that'll tell me when our court day is so I can get ready.  I NEED to be ready, this isn't something I can be caught unawares about.

I'm finding that I'm torn, and panicky, and scared, and elated about the whole process.  I'm torn because the last time I talked to him he seems to be loving life all of a sudden down there.  He's happy about his teachers, his classes, the upcoming baseball season.  I get to be the asshole that wants to tear him away from all of that. 

I'm panicky for the same reasons.  I hope that deep down, when they want to talk to him, that he comes clean with them about the same stuff he's told me.  That he hates it down there.  He's not happy.  Normally when I talk to him he's so withdrawn and despondent about life.  Like he's just resigned to the fact that he doesn't care and has no control.  I have always hated hearing him like that.  He's so animated and full of life when he's at my house. 

I'm scared that he's going to hate me because he's finally happy.  I'm scared that this is all going to backfire and both of them will be taken away from me.  I'm scared that if I need to get a lawyer, I'm not going to be able to.  I can't just sit down and crap out $3000.  Lord, I wish I could..but I can't. 

I know I'm doing the best thing I can for him right now but it doesn't stop me from feeling like a not so atomic mom about it all.

I hope that he's here for Halloween because he's never allowed to trick or treat since he's been in Tennessee, I think he'd love it.  Get to run around like other kids and get all kinds of candy and treats, dress up and just have a lot of fun with it.  I want him home for Christmas so we can wake up and open stockings and just chill with each other.  I want them to all be able to fight like normal siblings instead of only talking every once in a blue moon on the phone. 

I'm tired of feeling like I have an appendage missing all the time.  I feel like half my heart and my right arm are just gone.  Like what they say are ghost pains...I feel it.  I know where they should be, but they're not.

I just need it to be over.  I just want him home so we can all enjoy fall..and every season that comes after, all together.