Stress

Let me just tell you about what makes me one of those (not so) fabulous atomic mothers. 

I don't like to air dirty laundry out in public but this is my outlet, my journal of sorts. 

I started a new job not so long ago.  Two weeks to be exact.  I have some good things that I most definitely love about the change and I have some things that I don't care for at all.  Let me start with the good.  Good is always a good place to start.

I'm home every weekend with the kids.  I get to see sporting events and play games and watch movies.  When the weather warms up I will get to go for walks and go to the beach and be a real mom again.  I get to be home in the evenings and make dinner and talk about school and all the guts of being a mom.  I get to be here.  Really here.  I like that.

Now the bad.  And it's pretty bad, to me anyway.  I know that my troubles are trivial to most but to me they are Mt. Everest right now.  They're a conundrum.  They have no solution right now.  Right now.  It will come.  I'm sure I won't like it, but the solution will come.

I am anchored to a desk.  I despise desks.  I am alone and basically quarantined to a small room in the middle of a warehouse.  My actual job, albeit new and different, is not going to be challenging.  I'm going to be bored and when I get bored...bad things happen.  I don't make a very good bored person. 

I get paid once a month.  This is where most of my stress and troubles are stemming.  I tried to do the responsible thing.  I tried to hang on at the hospital until the very last moment, trying to be a good adult and make sure there were no lapses in health and dental insurance.  I held on and then started right away at the new place.  I find out there's still going to be a one month lapse in insurance.  My last paycheck was nothing because of the insurance premiums and union dues.  Before all of this I had worked a lot of overtime.  A LOT of overtime.  In December my job changed, I was replaced by a computer program.  Now, I knew that the loss of my overtime would pinch a bit.  What I failed to realize was how much I actually made with that overtime.  Pinch is the least of my worries.

I feel that I am currently failing my family.  Due to the last four months of no overtime I fell behind on almost every single bill we have.  On top of it I had to buy a new wardrobe for this new job.  My husband told me to take our tax return to get what I needed.  I didn't even use a quarter of it.  I didn't buy anything over $15 and most things weren't even new.  Now on top of the loss of my overtime, I have to go an entire month without a paycheck.  I have to tell you...there is no stress like jumping every time you hear a noise outside...not that you think it's a burglar, but that you think they've come to repossess your car. I have never had my phone ring so much as it does now.  I stress over every penny spent on milk or gas or bread. 

I am not myself lately.  I think stress does that to people.  Actually I know that stress does that to people.  I don't think we are in over our heads with debt.  We don't have credit cards, our mortgage isn't high at all (we are not living in the lap of luxury, that's for sure), we don't drive extravagant cars.  I honestly don't get why we're so far in the hole right now.  We don't go blow money all willy, nilly. 

I know we'll get out of this, it's an adjustment getting used to no overtime AND getting paid every four weeks but I just hope we can do it with both cars still parked in the driveway, our lights still on, and food in the fridge.  Until then I'm just going to stress and worry that somehow I'm failing my family.  I'm hoping that during the interim of all this chaos will also come an opportunity to really get to know my family and learn how to do more things together around the house. 

Ugh.  Being this atomic mom right now kind of sucks.