$15.98

I relapsed.  It happened today, and it happened so fast I don't really recall what I was doing until I was racing home to revel in my loot. All fifteen dollars and ninety eight cents worth.

I made a run to Wal-Mart and came home with chocolate cake and paint rollers.  Did I need them?  Well I sure as hell thought I did while I was there and forgot all about our budget.  I went for a toothbrush and deodorant for Nick.  Can't have the man stinking like dirty man B.O now can we?  Can we?  Damn..I was hoping I would get a resounding yes and then I could return the deodorant and get my four bucks back. 

What?  It was a twin pack and a better deal than a single one.  I know you were wondering who the hell spends $4 on deodorant when they're on budget lockdown.  I would've been.

I got home.  Made the cake.  Ate a piece..or two...or four and then it started to sink in.  I slipped.  I relapsed.  It's like a drug, spending money.  It's a nasty addiction because it can be big like furniture and vacations or it can be small..like paint rollers and chocolate cake.  Budget relapse can happen in all kinds of sizes.

If I forget for even a second then I fall back into those old ways that I've spend thirty some years perfecting.  I felt even more guilty when I sat down tonight to pay the bills and realized that I came up $280 short of my goal.  Which is good and it's bad.  It's bad because..well..I missed our goal by $280.  That's not chump change either.  It's a decent amount.  I could take a nice weekend trip somewhere for that amount.  It's good because we started so far under on the bills AND $200 in the hole.  I still have a chance to make it up.

Do I think I will by the end of the month.  No.  I might like to daydream a lot but deep down I'm a realist.  I'm hella behind on one of our car payments and that's getting taken care of next week (that's what I've been busting my ass for with all that overtime) and then the week after that is our dreaded mortgage week...or Shark Week.  That week has always been tight for us because it's such a large payment that we don't have a ton left over once we pay that..and the house insurance..and taxes...blah, blah, blah.  That's the week the sharks circle the sinking boat.  Just waiting.

If you haven't noticed..the American Dream is friggin expensive.  It costs a lot of money to live in debt like we do.

Anyway.  I just paid a buttload of bills.  I have a case of dry mouth over it and I can feel the beginnings of diarrhea rumbling around because I just dropped a bunch of cash on stupid bills.  Who likes to pay those anyway?  I don't.  I hate it.  Which is why I'm doing it. 

Can we say vicious cycle?  I know if I keep on it, if I stay on this bike and keep peddling my fat ass off, eventually I'm going to reach my destination.  Then I can hop off this rusted piece of crap and be able to pay cash for a nice little golf cart to drive my skinny ass all the way to retirement.

Hopefully I won't relapse again.  Chocolate cake can be like meth when you tell yourself you can't afford it.  I never thought $15.98 would make me feel so damn guilty.  So guilty I might need to eat some cake.

Hey..I have some of that.