Guilt

I'm pretty sure I've posted before with this title but this is different.  Or maybe not.  Is guilt always the same?  Does it matter what it stems from or just that your suffering with it?  Who knows.  I don't.  Not sure I care either.

I've been fairly melancholy lately.  I miss my kids.  I miss being home (I'm working my ass off lately).  I miss hanging with friends.  I feel guilty for all of that too.  Guilty for not spending enough time with the kids, the husband, the house, the dog...the washing machine and I are still talking on a daily basis though.  The shower and I are drifting apart.  That's bad.

Lately with all the talk about the economy, the housing market, the elections flying around like the thick and plentiful dust in my house it's got me down.  I've had a lot on my mind about all of these things.  I'm tired of it all.  Prices are rising because of droughts, fires, and rising oil prices.  The corn fields around me at home are sad...or just plain dead.  We can barely get tomatoes to grow in the back yard.  It's just too hot and dry.  That makes my water and electric bill go up.  I try to work overtime to cover that jump.  Gas prices keep going up, produce prices keep going up, milk?  I think we're going to have to switch to powered.  I keep working overtime to cover that jump.  I'm just tired.  Worn out. 

Life overload.

I've been working overtime to pay for making my house a veritable fortress against the others.  By the others I mean the people in my neighborhood that feel it's okay to take from those they see as more fortunate.  Am I?  More fortunate than they are?  Some days I think yes, others not so much.  More yes than no.  I do have HBO after all. 

I've noticed stuff lately.  The guilt I'm feeling is because I feel fortunate.  I have a home, a job, a bed, and even though it's sparse, I have food in my kitchen...as long as you're not counting that banana that's been hanging around a week too long.  I don't think that counts as food anymore. 

There are so many people standing on the side of the road when I come to work with signs.  They say "Need Work" or "Have family, have no food, please help" or the one I see almost every day "Anything will help, even a smile." 

Then I think about seeing blurbs on TV of our president.  He's smiling.  He's on a private jet, he's smiling at a basketball game (up on the jumbo tron, kissing cam no less..that's a huge accomplishment is it not?), he's back from vacation, he's going on vacation.  He's got his freshly pressed sleeves rolled up like he's ready to work hard....to get his hands dirty. 

I'll admit it right here, publicly.  I voted for him.  I was ready for change.  We needed a change.  We needed a whole makeover. 

I'm still waiting.  Aren't we all?  I'm not slamming him..or maybe I am.  I don't know.  I don't want to talk politics, I want to talk human kindness. 

I wonder if President Obama's smiling face is the one that homeless and hungry man on the corner is looking for? How would he feel if it were him driving my car by...nothing to give but my own lunch meant to get me through the next 14 hours of work?  Would that really help, a smile?  I see a lot more than that.  More than half have dogs with them, in 100 degree weather.  Are they really homeless, hungry, and helpless to their situation or are they professional beggars that really could make more than I do in a day?  I wonder this. Then I feel guilty for wondering this.  Who am I to judge?  I can only do my part.  I want to do more for my fellow people, I hate that I have to leave them standing on that corner in the hot sun..their dogs with them just staying close to their masters like the best of friends do.  I tell myself tomorrow I'm going to bring extra PB&J sandwiches and snack bags of veggies, baggies of dog food for their companions.  Then I forget..and the next day I feel even more guilty for forgetting because I was too tired or lazy to get out of bed and ran late.

I'm not as up on my politics as I should be.  I'm too upset about it all really.  I feel like the state of our country is too overwhelming to try to fix...and I feel as if our only choices aren't really choices at all.

I just want to do better.  I just want to help.  I need to get rid of the guilt that I carry around all the damn time.  I really will remember one of these days to pack a few extra sack lunches or grab some gift cards to fast food joints.  I'll have doggie bags made up as well.  There is other stuff to do, you can grow food and donate it to a food bank.  You don't really have to get your hands dirty to help.  Why don't I help more?  Why can't I just go to bed happy with myself and the choices I've made for today?

I can't change what will happen in the higher ranks of this place...those that really make the decisions but I can change what's going on down here in the dredges of everyday life.  I hope.

I hope everyone reading this will too.  Don't judge the people you see...just help them.  What they choose to do with your help is on their conscious, not yours.  Yours will be clear.

We can be our own change...isn't that how the saying goes?   Be the change you want to see in the world?

 There it is...the stuff that won't let me sleep on a typical Tuesday.