I just want to say that I'm a normal person. I think. I think I'm a normal person.
I think normal people have insomnia. I'm not sure if it's because I work nights or because I have a brain that refuses to shut off. It could be a bit of both. I don't know, I don't even know if I care. What I do know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. The fact that I am exhausted when I drive home in the morning, even having to put my cell phone down because I'm too tired to hold it to my ear and talk to the person that is trying to keep me awake...that's how tired I am.
I'll finally crawl into my cloud like heaven and then my brain seems to go into overdrive. I am relaxed, I'm ready to float off into dreams of cupcakes, folded laundry, and well behaving kids that don't fight. It's almost as if that relaxation opens the flood gates to my mind.
All of a sudden there's an avalanche of thoughts about whether or not I rememered to log out of my computer at work. Did I water the dog? Do we need milk? I think the kitchen is starting to stink, why do I think it's doing that? When did I do laundry last, do I have clean underwear for work tonight, when was the last time the kids showered, do they stink..maybe that's what the smell in the kitchen was...Avery was standing right there.
It doesn't stop, it goes faster until it's literally five thoughts at once and they get jumbled and then I begin to wonder if I'm going crazy.
If you think I haven't tried or heard everything that is supposed to help me, you are very wrong. Okay. I lied, I haven't tried straight up exercise. I'm too fucking tired to do lunges and run a mile when I get home after a 12 and a half hour shift and then drive another hour to get here.
I'm hoping writing will help. Writing about anything really. Obviously tonight it's the insomnia itself.
Maybe if I get some of these thoughts out of my brain they can stop floating around and give me some peace.
I'll do the drugs if I need to, but the last time I did that I ended up folding laundry while naked and somehow found some Taco Bell cinnamon twists to feed to my dog. At least I didn't drive anywhere, I don't think.
I'll do them again if I have to, even though things get weird I still sleep great and actually wake up alert. I can fix a bowl of cereal and not forget where we put the spoons.
We'll see how this goes.